Rethinking how I view Church…
Last year I stopped regularly going to church. It would be the 2nd time in my life, I stopped. I had questions, lots of questions. If I am honest and I am, I have had these questions for many years. During this tumultuous year of pandemic, time has afforded me opportunities to explore how I really feel about church. I asked, why church? Why do I go to church? Are we as believers doing church right? What did Jesus have in mind when He said, “Upon This Rock, I will build My Church?” Matthew 16:18.
From what I could see and what I have experienced, I doubted if the Church is the Church Jesus had in mind. I had decided that I would just stop going, until I understood the Church and my place in it. Little did I know that in the coming months, no one would be attending buildings we all knew as “The Church” Perhaps I was on to something. Perhaps rethinking church was on the heart of God as well. No matter the reason, I was on a mission to seek God’s heart about His beloved Church and where I fit.
During my private sabbatical, I posed the above questions to God. The answers came in what should have been obvious ways, if I knew as much about God as I thought, and I did. However, I learned so much more than I thought I already knew. And, what I thought I knew to be true, He stripped me bare to obtain the answers that was not so obvious. And so, my journey of church discovery became one of self-discovery in and through Him.
The person of Holy Spirit would become an intricate part of Church discovery, by way of Self-discovery. I do not know about you, but church has always been a constant in my life for better or worse. In my case, the worse has spoken loudly and has shaped my personal theology. Although I honor the traditions and faith of the church at large, I cannot help but address the harms that happened in the church by leaders to me, a black woman, and many who may or may not look like me.
These and other issues, with assistance from Holy Spirit, were addressed to God. He (God) through His Word and prayer, healed parts of me that were left untouched for years. Why untouched? I lacked trust of the leaders that had the patriarchal power to continually harm me. God, during this season of closed church doors, spoke and healed my church leadership concerns. Even though I am a leader, I am also a woman, a black woman. As a leader, I still had questions and, I questioned my role when it comes to ‘the church.”
I suspect some of my questions would be answered, as I continually grow in God, and cooperate with Holy Spirit. My faith in Him says, some of the questions will have to wait until I see Jesus face to face. I am perfectly fine with His decision to not answer all the questions, having faith that He knows best. I will however, share one answer I received here. The church is really the ecclesia or called out ones. We are those who are faithful believers in Jesus Christ, and who have decided to glorify Him with our lives. My place in it, is to be discipled and to disciple others. My safety will always come from God, and those He entrusts to look out for me. I have the power of Holy Spirit living on the inside of me and I trust His leading to know what’s right and who’s right for me.
With that being said, I am not sure what will happen when the “church” doors open again. I cannot say if I will be as available to a building as I will be to Him and His Kingdom mission. It is my prayer that whenever the Church doors open, there is a reset as I believe God intended. I pray that all who attend church buildings and all who lead in “church” buildings will be and/or be in pursuit of being the Church built upon the Rock in which the gates of Hell shall not prevail against.